Irish Dave's Numbers Rule Hamish & Andy 19 September, 2008 - 5:20 PM

Our male relationship expert Irish Dave has devised another cunning set of rules... This time for dealing with phone numbers! Here is the 'Number's Rule' as told be Dave himself:

A few of us were at Races over the weekend and one of guys was chatting up a girl from a Hen's party and at the end of the day's festivities he asked for her number and she gave it to him.

Later, we asked him what he expected to do with it, as they don't live in the same city.

His view was that you can never have enough numbers and that you need to store up as many as you can for a rainy day - he was immediately christened "The Squirrel".

But is it really just a numbers game or is quality more important that quantity - I'm personally not a Squirrel but am I the only one?

So I convened a session of the Star Chamber during the week to see if Squirrel's dominate the forest or if there are other types of beast out there - and we found that on balance we fell into one of three distinct categories

Now I am sure there are a few other sub-cultures out there but broadly the rules the members of the Star Chamber follow are these:

These are The Numbers Rule:

1. The Deleter

-Deleters are the guys with a strict "use it or lose it policy".

-If you get a number over the course of a weekend and you haven't contacted the girl, by the end of the following week, then the deleter takes swift and decisive action.

-They can even go as far as taking punitive action during a Sunday morning editorial review of the previous night's telephonic activity.

-Most times there will be a one week grace period and on rare occasions the number will even make it all the way to the monthly Cull.

-But most frequently if a week has passed and he hasn't made contact, then he is probably "not that into her" (if you are a deleter) and the number is removed from the database.

-Deleters are usually impulsive men of action but they are mostly serial monogamists and have no need for extra numbers as they are looking for someone who is "girlfriend material"

-If deleters do make a call it's always no later than the Tuesday after the weekend you met - You will always get early contact from a keen deleter.

2. The Juggler

-Jugglers are the balance in the universe - the equalising force.

-They do have deleter tendencies but are less severe in their culling process it's all or nothing with Deleters but Jugglers are much more sophisticated.

-The Juggler does need to have a more refined system than the Deleter because...

-It is a proven scientific fact that it is impossible to successfully Juggle more than 3 numbers at any one time.

-Positions one and two are usually quite secure but it's that third number where the Jugglers skill and dexterity really come to the fore.

-Successfully transitioning a number 3 to a number 1 is an extremely difficult and dangerous task that should only be practised by the most adept and agile Juggler.

-The biggest danger for the Juggler though, is if the numbers somehow happen to accidentally collide at a party. In this unfortunate instance you lose access to all three numbers and you have to start again from zero.


3. The Squirrels'

-The Third group are of course the Squirrels'

-Squirrels' often need to follow a strict regime to ensure there is no cross over of Emma's or Sophie's so they usually have some kind of Dewy Decimal System in operation - much like that used in Libraries around the world.

-It's complex but ultimately very effective - one example is to use the girl's first name, that's a given and then the first initial of her surname and the place you met her - this will then remind you of who she is such as Emma T Races.

-Now Squirrels' can of course run into problems if they began to over fish the waters of a particular location and they end up with two different Sophie G's from the same bar and then there is no point of differentiation.

-It's at this point that essentially both numbers become obsolete and must in fact be destroyed immediately.

-The other disadvantage inherent in the Squirrel's system is the temptation to send late night messages due to the sheer volume of numbers available to them.

-Sending drunk and suggestive text messages are the negative side effect of being a squirrel - Jugglers can also experience this but Deleters are totally insured against that eventuality.

-Our Star Chamber Squirrel has received requests to be removed from his database for continued sending of drunk texts


-But what the recipient didn't know is that if you do not wish to receive any further "marketing material" from the sender then simply send a text with the word "remove" to the Squirrel in question, much like you do for spam emails.

-Squirrels are then obliged, by law, to delete your number - it's not a very commonly know law but it is on the statutes, I assure you.

So what are you, a Deleter, a Juggler or a Squirrel or are there different "Number Rules" out there?

(6) »

• Morgan says

  Again, Irish Dave is spot on! However, it's goes for girls and guys! I know plently of female Squirrels!

  Are there any girls in the Star Chamber? I could provide the chamber with a lot of female insight!!!

  Posted Tuesday 23 September, 2008 8:56 PM
• Sarah Miller says

  Fantastic work - such a clear analysis of each character.
  I am a female squirrel. Wish I had more deleter qualities. All gets a bit hard deciding if should message or not. I find you all very funny.

  Posted Wednesday 24 September, 2008 11:00 AM
• Skitz says

  I am a juggler, not a very good one. I am the kind of juggler that will catch up with one girl at a party and if I don't think it is going anywhere will try and pick up one of her friends. You snooze you lose

  Posted Monday 29 September, 2008 6:39 PM
• valerie says

  I think you guys should have a radio bachelor with Irish Dave as the bachelor. Haha

  Posted Wednesday 1 October, 2008 1:47 AM
• Steph says

  Irish Dave you are a visionary, a world of insight into the minds of men, and much great advice for us single galz out there! May i also complement you on your sexy-as-all-hell accent ;)
  Keep up the good work boyz.

  Posted Thursday 9 October, 2008 4:15 PM
• Anita says

  Funnier read with an Irish accent!

  Posted Thursday 16 October, 2008 3:41 PM

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